What if nothing is wrong?
Things My Nervous System Forgot to Mention
I am up and I don’t know what to write about. Actually, I’m capping…hehe
I know exactly what to write about but I am trying to articulate what is living rent free in my head.
I have those feelings again.
The kind that nudges me just to remind me I’ve been here before, the territory is different, the man is different but there is a warning.
I’m not in danger…my body holds memory, my mind remembers and is working overtime to protect me and there is an ounce of courage that says be here anyway…
Face it.
You can do it.
Take it one step and one day at a time.
You will be well and taken care of regardless of the outcome.
A few days ago, I woke up before 5am dazed, analyzing these feelings and emotions a little too much.
Remedy: always action.
So I got up, put away my clothes that lived on my bed for too many days. Oil pulled and put on my workout clothes and went down stairs. I squeezed a wedge of lemon in some Brita water and was about to head to the basement to start a workout but I had to write. I had to let go and in text. I had to process what has been bubbling up underneath and ready to surface.
Writing allows for whatever tornado gathering wind that’s swirling disturbingly inside to let it come through more like a breeze of clarity.
My body remembers I’ve lost a few people back to back over the last few years. Loving deeply comes with risk. Then again, so does living.
A bag of tangerines from the grocery store isn’t going to be perfect. One or two might be soft. One might be moldy. You don’t stop buying tangerines because of it.
Taking life less seriously is both the key and the challenge. To move through life with ease, trusting you’ll be okay no matter what happens, takes practice and I need to get my reps in.
As I get to know someone, I get to practice being present. Asking questions. Paying attention. Enjoying what is instead of rushing ahead to what could be.
Do I see the possibility of something beautiful with him? Absolutely.
Do I know what this is going to become? Not at all.
And maybe that’s okay.
My mind has been trying to prepare me for heartbreak before there’s even a reason to. Not because something is wrong, but because my mind remembers what hurt felt like and would rather get there first.
But preparing for pain isn’t the same thing as protecting myself.
So I keep coming back to the present moment. To my work. To my life. To myself.
I mean if this becomes something beautiful, I want to be here for it.
And if it doesn’t, I’ll still be here for me.
Maybe that's what this season is teaching me: not every silence is a goodbye, not every feeling is a warning, and not every beautiful thing needs to be figured out before it's lived.
I'd love to hear from you: Have you ever had a moment where you realized your past was trying to protect you from your present?
What helped you stay open anyway?
